WWE Raw

Raw Recap 08/05/17

Last night, Monday Night Raw took place in London, otherwise known as “the only city in the UK, apparently. Representatives from Steelchair Magazine were in attendance, though yours truly – the man who recaps Raw every week – was not extended that offer from the higher-ups. The fat cats in charge of this charade chose to pat their own backs and that’s… fine. If they want a Daniel Brya-esque babyface run from me in which I rage against the system that won’t accept me, they’ve got it.
Oh, by the way, I’m Elliot and I watch Raw so you don’t have to.

As a Brit, I’m not a huge fan of when WWE makes the pilgrimage over the pond for tapings, because the resulting episodes are location-based cheap-pop-filled affairs that abuse the icons America perceives as our culture, like London buses and garish union flags. Typically, this is where I would say, “however, last night’s Raw was a welcome exception.” Yes, if writing clichés are to be adhered to, this is where I would say that…

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Wacky Dean Ambrose kicked off the show with the announcement that he would be Raw’s acting general manager for the night, though The Miz interrupted, announcing that the pair would, in fact, be co-general managers. So last night’s runner was a classic odd-couple tale, basically.
This story culminated in a main event bout between Bray Wyatt and Dean Ambrose that was, you know, about as average as you would expect. The match ended after The Miz hit Ambrose with the title, allowing him to be Sister Abigailed for the 3-count.

CRAZZY DEAN ALSO BOOKED THIS SHIT:
– I swear to God, if someone calls me out on a “typo” in that heading, I’ll go HAM.
– The Miz lost the night’s opener to Finn Balor after a DQ/restart combo.
– Seth Rollins jumped Samoa Joe backstage, because he’s a classic babyface.
– Kalisto demanded a match with Braun, only to be wrecked in a matter of seconds and rescued by a returning Reigns, who chased Strowman off with a chair.
– Samoa Joe lost to Seth Rollins via exposed turnbuckle DQ.
– Miz and Ambrose will have their IC title scuffle next week.
– TJ P(erkins) scored a cheeky roll-up win over Jack Gallagher with the help of a fistful of tights. Austin Aries interrupted the obligitory post-match beatdown.
– Sasha Banks defeated Alicia Foooooooooooooox in a match that screamed “TIME TO FILL!”
– Alexa Bliss beat Mickie James with the help of her new best friend, Nia Jax.

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In putting together this recap, I’ve realised how weak last night’s Raw was, and nothing portrays that clearer than the tag team scene acting as this review’s main event.
The Golden Truth had another backstage, psych-up segment prior to the #1 contender’s tag team turmoil match. In an attempt to mix things up, here’s a Ceefax-style visual representation of how that match went:
– (Sheamus &) Cesaro submitted Enzo (& Cass)
– Sheamus pinned Heath (and Rhyno)
– Sheamus pinned Gallows (& Anderson)
– (Sheamus &) Cesaro rolled-up R-Truth (& Gold Dust)
After the match, The Hardy Boyz ran out to defend The Golden Truth from the obligatory post-match beatdown, getting their first UK pop in about a decade.

So yeah, I genuinely saved you 3 hours this week. BYE!

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