Ludicrous – Eurovision 2017

It was between that or Amar Pelos Dios (Love For Both), for the title. I went with ‘ludicrous’. But don’t instantly think bad thoughts. ‘Ludicrous’ is an ambiguous word. It can hold multiple meanings when used in different contexts. ‘Ludicrously wicked’, or ‘awesomely ludicrous’, or ‘so ludicrous it’s rad’. And on Eurovision night, everything is ambiguous. And ludicrous… From the hosts, to the songs, to the fans and the people standing on ladders wearing fake horse’s heads.

I am the last person in the world you think to be a Eurovision fan. Beer wielding, sport watching, un-ironed shirt wearing, lad, with hair in all the wrong places, who attempts DIY disastrously, but never gives up (specially if there’s a chance his hard-earned pennies are in danger of being spent on someone else removing the wallpaper and repainting the ceiling instead of doing it himself and his money being sensibly invested in pints of Stellar).

It is because of the ambiguous nights of Eurovision, when it seems we the humble plebs have been taken away from the harsh realities of existence and arrived, via Ryanair, onto cloud fluffy pink koo-koo land, that I love it so much!

Unlike Family Guy, Gotham, The Inbetweeners movies and the return of Will And Grace, Eurovision never disappoints. And I don’t know if it’s my music tastes falling, or the level of the competition rising, but each year I feel the songs get better and better.

The winning song, Amar Pelos Dios (that’s why I was gonna use it as the title- duh!) was actually quite a good song. Sung by the Portuguese version of Paolo Nutini, Salvador Sobrel. Who tells us very dramatically in his winning speech, “we live in a world of fast food music!” What…is fast food music? Is it the music that accompanies fast food adverts? Like Justin Timberlake’s ‘da da da da daaaaaa I’m loving it’ Mcdonald’s theme tune?

No, come on, don’t be fastidious Harry. What Salvador’s saying is music is all techno keyboard xylophone one-beat bullshit these days sung by plastic people! He actually took a pop shot at his fellow contestants as he accepted the Eurovision award! And the brilliant thing was, they applauded him for it! (Probably because they didn’t understand him, or they couldn’t hear him, or everyone was so high on coke they didn’t give a fuck). But, anyway, I still think it takes balls to stand up in front of the company you’re one-armed into and stick the two proverbials at them. After that speech Salvador Sobrel is my 90s-esque, rock’n’roll, Mancunian lead singer of the 21st Century.

Other highlights included, Austria’s entry (which I liked), Australia’s entry, yodelling rap, the schizophrenic singer from Croatia, mooning Jamala, the man on the ladder wearing the horse’s head (already mentioned), but the biggest shout out of all (I sound like a Kiss Radio DJ now) goes to Lucie Jones entry I’ll Never Give Up On You.

A genuinely good song, which managed to garner the UK a very respectable 111 points!

Love for Both. Whatever that means…