Impact Testing – May 26th, 2017

Last week we were given a clinic in the form of an Ultimate X match, this week we get angry spouses, bad jokes and old farts making their unwanted return. This is Impact Testing!

To start the show, Brother Love hobbles to the ring with Tyrus by his side; I apologize for last week, I can’t even remember EC3 attacking good ole Mr. Pritchard. He holds his belly, announces that EC3’s actions are under review and ask the TNA Heavyweight Champion, Bobby Lashley to come out to the ring. Long story short, the ring would fill up with names like EC3, Magnus and James Storm all pleading their case to be the number one contender. Once we navigate through the bad jokes, we find ourselves with a main event tonight, EC3 vs Storm vs Magnus in a no disqualification triple threat match.

KM & Kongo Kong vs Mahabali Shera & Braxton Sutter

Kong saunters around the ring; Allie, LVN, and Sienna scream outside. That about sums this match up. After all the girls run around and do more screaming, (DAMN NEAR 15 MINUTES LATER!!!) KM would roll up Shera and pick up the victory. Post-match, the guys brawl to the back, leaving Allie alone with LVN and Sienna who start to lay down a beating until Rosemary would come to the ring and attack the mean girls.

GFW Tag Title Tournament
Fallah Bahh & Mario Bokara vs Veterans of War

It’s announced that the winner of this match will face LAX in the Championship finals… Let me get this straight, you have two tag team titles with a total of five teams?! Pump the brakes right there and just think for a second about how absolutely absurd that aspect is. Bokara and Bahh keep the pressure on VOW for the better part of the match until Wilcox gets the hot tag and hit the “MOAB” and pick up the victory.

JB and Josh Matthews continue their feud in the ring with Josh extending the olive branch to JB. Turns out is a rotten branch. We’ve all been there, your climbing your Grandma’s olive tree when you find yourself on the weakest limb of them all and you’ve just downed two Twinkies and a huge glass of the good ole 3.5% moo cow juice. Safe to say, it all comes crashing down and it hurts inside, much like how I felt when the current owner of “Shoney’s,” “Big Poppa Pump” Scott Steiner rushed the ring and ruined my night. He was garbage 15 years ago, why in the floating f@#k would I want to see that now?! That’s a Texas-sized hard no. I’m done with this segment.

Angelina Love & Davey Richards vs Alisha and Eddie Edwards

Following a video and pull apart brawl featuring Eli Drake and Moose we get this long-awaited match-up (sarcasm). Don’t get me wrong, when it’s just Davey and Eddie in the ring the match is pretty good, but then one of their wives would set off a high-pitched shrill and I want it all to end. It would just so happen to end, thankfully. Alisha sidestep’s a running boot by Love and roll her up for the win. Now you didn’t think it was over did you? Of course not, following the match Davey would then handcuff Eddie to the ropes so he could watch Love powerbomb his wife through a table

Although last week Spud promised us his return, it will have to wait since it seems his Mom may need his assistance. Swoggle better look out!

Impact Heavyweight Championship #1 Contender
No DQ Triple Threat
James Storm vs EC3 vs Magnus

It seems as though James Storm went to rehab for his alcohol problem, he’s traded in the glass beer bottle for a plastic bottle of Coca-Cola, diet to be specific. Doesn’t have the same ring to it if you ask me. The overly generous crowd give a “he’s hardcore” chant toward none other than the former Derrick Bateman, Ethan Carter III. C’mon now guys, there’s a difference is scratching your ass and tearing it to pieces! To be honest, the match itself was quite entertaining, especially towards the end when all three competitors took their turns hitting signatures and finishers to a barrage of near falls, ending when Storm super kicked Magnus knocking him out cold9. This allows for a split second EC3 to dump Storm to the outside and pick up the pinfall victory on the limp body of Magnus.

Overall, I believe I heard about six different voices from the crowd, really not a vocal lot escaping the heat at Universal Studios this week. The show itself wasn’t anything to write home about either, it was just “Meh.”

2/5

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