Impact Testing – May 11th, 2017

This week we feature a GFW tag team tournament and a GFW Heavyweight championship match in what can only be called ‘GFW Impact’ or ‘Impact Amped’ or even ‘GFWTNA’ short for ‘GFW Tits n’ Ass’! I could go on and on…

Andrew Everett vs Desmond Xavier vs Caleb Konley vs Matt Sydal

Before the match started they tell us that Sonjay Dutt was supposed to be in the match but since his injury earlier in the taping he had to opt out. Each contestant looked like a million bucks with innovative move after another, a far cry from the type of action the stagnant X-Division has been giving people week in week out the months prior. Andrew Everett picked up the victory via a Frankendriver on Desmond Xavier who ended up looking like the soon to be a star of the X-Division.

JB is back with the sign gag he was doing last week. Nothing else to see here.

Remember the truck driver from the Final Deletion? You know, the guy who was sodomized by Abyss? He’s back as the pizza delivery guy in KM’s latest “You callin’ me a liar?” segment. Who is he, Duane Barry?! I still don’t know the point of these videos and I don’t think I’ll ever will.

Back in the ring, James Storm’s music starts to play and its EC3 in his best Woody costume and southern accent. He bunches together all the southern stereotypes and sayings all in one nice bundle and then sings a Garth Brooks song. Don’t ask me how I know, my parents made me listen to country while I was a kid. James Storm enters from the rear and attacks EC3 but the heel gets the advantage by handcuffing Storm to the ring ropes and EC3 begins to whip Storm in the back with a leather strap. If we get a Yappapi Strap match in the future between these two then this company will be destined to fail horribly.

GFW Tag Team Tournament
Laredo Kid & Garza Jr. vs Idris Abraham & Hakim Zane

First things first, why the hell are they doing a tournament for a second set of tag titles when they have a roster of about 30 deep and only two hours of TV each week? This is absolutely ridicules. On the bright side, Laredo Kid and Garza Jr. are back in action, although it wasn’t the best-executed match. It was good nonetheless with Laredo Kid hitting a 450 for the win.

Ava Storie vs Laurel Van Ness w/ Kongo Kong

In her first match on Impact since going sans shower, she makes quick work of Ava using crazy lady tactics. The match itself was nothing to see but LVN does play crazy like it comes natural or something.

Once again, we check back in on Rockstar Spud and his road to recovery after the vicious attack from Swoggle. I Can’t even type this without laughing. The segments are pretty funny I’ll give them that much.

LAX roll up to the Impact Zone in Eddie’s old lowrider wearing white paint and holding urns. They make their way to the ring, not to their usual theme but to funeral music. Konnan takes a mic and starts giving a heartfelt speech while Rosemary looks on from the rafters. The script quickly flips and they pour the ashes on the ground and kick it around. A fan ringside is waving an American flag as Konnan threatens to stick that flag where the sun doesn’t shine and this leads us into the feud we knew would come; ‘Murica vs LAX in the form of the Veterans of War. They hit the ring and clear house in the name of Lady Liberty.

Impact Grand Championship
Marshe Rockett vs Moose

I have no more interest left for the Grand Championship match style, and putting what should be a mat wrestling style championship on big clumsy wrestlers is beyond me. In round one Moose dominates in a very slow pace, round two picks up in speed for about twenty seconds when Moose gets the pinfall victory. Post-match, Tyrus and Eli Drake jump Moose and lay a beat down. Chris Adonis comes out to the ring and locks Moose in the Adonis Lock cementing his hatred of Moose and gaining friends in the process.

Dirty Dutch announces that next week we will see an Ultimate X match between Low Ki, Andrew Everett, and Trevor Lee. That should be absolutely fantastic.

Angelina Love vs Alisha Edwards

Another nothing Knockouts match, Alisha wins via DQ after Love hit her in the back with a chain. Post-match Edwards would get in the ring to stop Love from inflicting any further damage on his wife when Richards would go on the attack and decimate the already injured knee of Eddie Edwards.

GFW Heavyweight Championship
Alberto El Patron vs Magnus

One thing I couldn’t help but notice is the fact that El Patron is still wearing his “ADR” trunks from his last WWE run. Nothing spells commitment to a company as well as that my friend… wait! The match was good and continues the big push of making El Patron a huge babyface star for Impact Wrestling, that is if only he was somewhat interesting of course. Towards the end of the match, neither man could put the other away, El Patron working the arm and Magnus working the leg. El Patron would put an end to this contest when he locks in the cross-arm breaker and becomes the new GFW Heavyweight Champion. Obviously cementing a title vs title unification match at Slammiversary.

Overall, the show was good, better than Raw or Smackdown this week if you ask me. I really don’t get the whole GFW tag team tournament since we already have tag champs in LAX. We also got a couple garbage Knockouts matches that really brought the show down. We did get a great 4-way to kick off the show and a main event that left fans happy. A wins a win.

3/5