Top Gear, Series 24, Post-mortem

Rating:

There’s no pulse Dr Jamshidian.
It’s dead.

Post-mortem Report:

Location corpse was discovered:
BBC 1. Sunday nights. 8pm.

Defining characteristics of corpse:
Three males: LeBlanc Matt, (American, Caucasian, 5ft 9), Harris Chris (British, Caucasian, 5ft 9) and Reid Rory (British, Black, 5ft 10) are made to stand, or sit, on a set based in Dunsfold Surrey that looks like it landed from the Planet Zolten. Here they discuss automobiles and test them on a race track. The three males named in this report were also seen doing ‘challenges’ in foreign domains.

Suspected reasons for death:
1.1 Pathologist notes there is a need to recreate the “chemistry” and “banter” of previous series which involved three former male presenters that are no longer employed on the show. However the banter being created seems to be manufactured by what is believed to be scriptwriters who haven’t yet hit puberty, using three males (Refer: defining characteristics) as vehicles for the “comedy”, who’ve never actually met till just before filming of the first episode.

1.2 Concerning presenters: Male 1- LeBlanc, Matt, looks at his fellow presenters, male 2- Harris, Chris and male 3- Reid, Rory with a blank expression poorly hidden beneath a veneer of recognition, that says ‘what’s your name again?’

1.3 Take note- the sheer awkwardness of male 3 (Reid, Rory) who, as nice as he comes across, just doesn’t seem to have any sort of edge to make it as a TV presenter. (Refer: TV Handbook, Rule 13; anyone who has been successful on TV, anyone who is successful on TV or wants to create “good TV”, is never to be ‘nice’.)

1.4 Take note- male 2 Harris, Chris, desperately, awkwardly, pushing far too hard, to take the place of former presenter May, James, as the “awkward one”. (Our records show May, James, is still alive, doing a far more successful motoring show on an internet based channel.)

2.1 Formatting of the show is the same as previous series but seems to have lost a certain sort of flair former producers and presenters bought to production.

2.2 The features come across horribly manufactured down to the minutest detail.

Case note; the pathologist gets a sense of this when the presenters take a second to say the punch line to said ‘funny script’ like they’re quickly going over the words they’ve been made to memorize, before they say them out loud in order to prevent any dreaded ‘real’ mistakes in production.

(Fake mistakes, planned and rehearsed do seem to be permitted.)

2.3 One of the features in the show requires a celebrity to drive a car. New formatting styles have led to changes that involve the celebrity becoming some sort of fourth/substitute presenter incorporated into the discussion of automotive industry news and opinion (case note: celebrity sits there whilst this is going on looking petrified thinking will my career ever recover from this).

2.4 Three presenters (Refer: defining characteristics) say pretty much the same thing about all the cars reviewed. ‘It’s a brilliant car, perfect in fact! But, it’s just missing that…human element, that little quirk in it, that feature that makes it truly memorable to drive!’ (case note: this quote is a reference to the cars being reviewed, not the show).

Conclusive evidence
The show died of trauma to the head that was induced by a massive sense of humour failure, along with a burdening need to collect ‘likes’ on social media services. It’s also been concluded victim sustained multiple injuries before the fatal blow including miscasting, lack of leadership, lack of innovation, lack of spontaneity, no imagination, regret, jealousy and envy.

Report submitted: 19/03/2017 11:37

(I’d just like to tell you, for legal purposes, I’m not actually a doctor…)