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Impact Testing – March 9th, 2017

I got to admit, the video to lead off this attempt at a rebranding which told the tale of TNA’s history was delightful and entertaining. I’m ready, ready to unfortunately be annoyed to high heaven by references to the WWE and the worst announcing on American television today. Yes, it’s gotten worse.

The show opens up with former partners, Davey Richards and Eddie Edwards brawling from the back and into the crowd, a good build to continue this feud, unfortunately, last week’s episode we say a brawl; a better brawl between Cody and Moose. Once everything calms down we cut to Josh Matthews, The Pope, and an empty chair. Josh states that there will not be a three man both and that this isn’t Smackdown where there are forty-seven different announcers; kudos to Josh, I didn’t think he had that in him. The story continues when Jeremy Borash, theme music and all makes his entrance down to the empty seat and the two continue to bicker followed by Borash unleashing his inner savage as he belittles modern day announcing, Dixie Carter and everyone else no longer involved with TNA for hiring “the model” announcer, Josh Matthews. What I really enjoyed about this was an instant upgrade to Impact with Borash at the announcer’s table but what was even cleverer was the fact Borash, in passing mentioned that he actually knows what’s going on in the back, something that Josh never did giving plausibility to any changes to the show. The downside to all this is that the addition of Borash has just made Matthews that much more unbearable.

Cody would then come out, equipped with the Global Force Nex-Gen Championship calling out Moose, who is in Japan if your following kayfabe. In actuality, Cody was only available for one day of tapings and they taped for weeks so…

The DCC (Bram and Kingston) vs Reno Scum

Reno Scum, making their debut on Impact were okay but were never going to get put over by the announcers who are pre-occupied by bickering back and forth. All of a sudden, the bald guy from Reno Scum hits a double foot stomp to get the win. This should be the template on “How Not to Debut A Tag-Team 101.”

From there we get another recap of the Wedding from a few weeks ago between LVN and Braxton Sutter, cut to the backstage set of WCW Thunder where Mackenzie is awaiting the guest Maria, instead she gets Sienna who tells her that Maria had a nervous breakdown because of Allie and because of that Allie will pay dearly. Defiantly better than the garbage woman segments we’ve been getting, that’s for sure.

Caleb Konley vs Marshe Rockett vs DJZ vs Braxton Sutter

Okay, if there’s one facet of TNA that needed an overhaul it would be the X-Division. What was once fresh and exciting has become rather average and bland, it wasn’t even given a fresh coat of paint. Not to mention the fact that for a second week in a row we come dangerously close to a horrible buckle bomb when Rockett throws Sutter neck first into the turnbuckle. Allie would make him pay with a cross body allowing Sutter to take advantage and get the win. Post-match, LVN comes out looking like pumpkin head; all unkempt and junk, screams and we go to commercial.

Sienna vs Rachel Ellering

Will the announcers screw up the second debut of the night? Yes, yes they will. While we should be hearing the announcers put over the action in the ring, they are, you guessed it, they’re bickering. We aren’t an hour into this horrible attempt at a rebranding and I want to scoop my eyes out with a plastic spoon. Sienna wins, but if the announcers don’t care to call the finish then why should I waste time writing it?

Bruce Pritchard comes out and plugs the hell out of his podcast and website, talks WWE and shines a light on the story of TNA, then and unfortunately now, TNA could be good but it’s not. It’s at this point when I became convince that Vince Russo is behind all of this, has to be. Lashley comes out, rebranding failed cause on the title, in big silver lettering is “TNA.” They hum and haw until Alberto El Patron comes out to continue to ruin the rebranding by calling it “TNA,” good job. EC3 then enters and wants a title match but gets shafted as Pritchard gives the match to El Patron for later tonight. Following this, Borash is at the announce table and is on the phone and you guessed it, they start to bicker.

If there weren’t enough WWE references, the artist formally known as Zeb comes out on his scooter to make Impact great again by bringing up all things of the past. Oh, the good ole days. Enough of this bullshit, let’s move on to something better.

It was pleasantly surprising to see the Hardy’s and let’s just say, with what we’ve been given it was the highlight of the show; one last time, baby! After an amazing bout between the Hardy’s and Smokin’ Joe Kangaroo, the Decay somehow teleports as the Hardy’s teleport and steal the TNA tag titles. That was the cheapest way out of dumping your tag champs, although it shouldn’t be any surprise to anyone.

Did you know that Impact has a PPV in July? They do but having to listen to Matthews has made me void of all feelings. I’m done.

***This has nothing to do with Impact but did you know that you can actually by a headband that has Bluetooth speakers built in? What happened to headphones? Is this really necessary? The show must be bad when a commercial takes precedent to actually talking about the forthcoming Impact PPV.

TNA World Championship
Alberto El Patron vs Bobby Lashley

The match itself was fine, but I’ve never felt there was any sizzle to the steak that is Alberto El Patron; aside from that, these two put on a something easy to watch and told a decent story, continuing the tale of EC3 feeling left out and alone without a title shot. Above all that, Baby Hebner took a great bump from a clothesline by Lashley; I would put that as the third best thing that happened on this two-hour steamer we call Impact. That would not be the only ref bump of the match, the second ref would take a fall and El Patron uses the World Championship to pick up the victory, winning the title. But no, Baby Hebner saw what went down and reversed the call allowing Lashley to retain his title by disqualification. None of this was said but it’s obvious that next week we will open with what I just said, mark my words. Russo.

How can I describe my feelings towards this episode of Impact? Well, I wouldn’t re-watch this if my life depended on it should be all I need to say. Nothing came off well; if they weren’t WWE Lite before, it definitely is now with all the WWE references and sub-par announcing. The absolute worst factor of this show is the announcing and honestly, nobodies at fault here but TNA for fever dreaming this numpty pile of garbage storyline thinking it would make good TV having to people scream at each other while they should be calling the action in the ring.

1.5/5