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Impact Testing – March 16th, 2017

Let’s dive right in, mainly because last week’s episode sucked so bad that I’d rather forget about it. This week’s episode starts as last weeks ended; with Borash and Matthews arguing which got me thinking, I should change ‘Impact Testing’ to ‘Impact Muted.’ Life would be grand!

That wouldn’t fix every issue that could be brought up, the cameras follow Alberto El Patron backstage where Brother Love tries to convince him to relinquish the World Championship in front of a row of televisions in front of the WCW Thunder set displaying a floating ‘Blu-Ray’ logo; how bush league is that?

Fast forward to current day and things are just as absurd, Dutch and Love are in a meeting with El Patron and they are gathered to strip him of the World Championship, that was expected and not the problem. It’s when El Patron asks if he will be getting a rematch, to which the talking heads reply by saying it’s not up to them, it’s up to Bobby Lashley, the champion to decide when he defends the title. Really? Am I watching WCW?! Oh, wait…

The show then has a stroke of brilliance, let me rephrase that; they have good editors. They show a recap of last week which come off looking big time and completely different from what any wrestling show is doing.

El Patron then comes to the ring and starts cutting a promo about how he loves the Impact Zone, what’s supposed to be a feel-good moment only succeeded in making me laugh; not because of anything El Patron did, it’s the fact that they insist on cutting to a guy in the crowd holding his hands out in disbelief as if he knows Alberto is lying his ass off. Remember when I said they had good editors? Sheesh. EC3 then comes out to add fuel to my hate-filled fire by talking like a Mexican and speaking in stupid one liners while challenging El Patron to a match, he declines and calls EC3 a bitch in his most whispery, sexy voice. The two brawl and agree to match later. Let the soap opera continue.

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After Impact replays the whole Hardy segment from last week we cut backstage where the group discusses the tag team situation and how Dutch is confused as to how Decay got the titles but don’t fear, Brother Love has a plan.

Eli Drake & Tyrus vs Laredo Kid vs Garza Jr

After a nice video package recapping their horrible storyline, I wasn’t familiar with this two luchador’s, unfortunately, this match is essentially Drake just taking spots poorly until Tyrus gets the tag; the clash of styles in this match is ridicules. The storyline continues when Drake demands Tyrus to get on the apron, after some miss communication errors, Laredo Kid rolls Drake up for the victory.

Once again, the video packages save the day when we are presented with Eddie Edwards, James Storm and Moose journey to Japan to wrestling for NOAH. Thumbs up.

Before our next match could start; which I must add was Brandi Rhodes vs Kayci Quinn, out came Cody. He proceeds to say the match won’t happen then offers Quinn forty-five dollars, twenty more than they were going to pay her to hit the bricks. Finally, a reason to watch; best segment by a country mile. To top it all off, Rosemary jumps Quinn and leaves her laying.

Ethan Carter III vs Alberto El Patron

El Patron comes out like a ball of fire as if EC3 leaked his girlfriend’s nudes; too early? Nonetheless, the match was much better than most of the match’s in the past few weeks and if you forget about how illogical Impact is this week at this point in time it feels as if it’s turning around. The match ends when EC3 gets a chair, decides not to use it; out of nowhere, El Patron hits an arm breaker, superkick and applies the cross-arm breaker for the win.

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Backstage, Reno Scum is backstage with Mackenzie and it’s as if I’m transported back to the 80’s where wrestlers delivered shouty, cocaine-fueled promos, sans Mean Gene of course. They say, “United we stand, divided we die. Oi Oi Oi!” I guess there coming for the tag titles. We then cut to EC3 kicking a garbage can, angst at its finest.

Suicide vs Andrew Everett vs Braxton Sutter vs Trevor Lee

Straight from the year 2008 and the TNA Impact video game, it’s the return of Suicide. Once played by the like of Cristopher Daniels, Frankie Kazarian, and TJ Perkins to name a few. As of right now, he’s played by Caleb Konley. Unfortunately, the match was sloppy and just a bunch of spots.

There is one upside, Allie didn’t play a direct part in the finish but Laurel Van Ness makes her way through the crowd looking like a hot mess; we shall christen her Laurel Van Mess. Sutter, distracted as Ness and Allie tilly outside is caught with a high knee from Lee to pick up the victory. Post-match, Sienna comes out with a mic and tells Allie to enjoy it while it lasts cause Romeo and Juliet always meet their demise. At least we’ve begun to kinda step away from the mean girl’s storyline.

We have a treat for our main event tonight, out from the back comes Brother Love to tell us that next week they will crown new tag team champions. This queues Decay, Reno Scum, Garza and Laredo Kid all come out to the ring pleading their case until they all brawl. All of a sudden, the gunshots go off and Konnan and Homicide come to the ring along with three others to leave everyone, even Rosemary out cold. LAX is back and seemingly better than ever. Konnan then says that there as serious as a late period, he means business.

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Overall a much better show than last week with Cody’s mic skills, El Patron vs EC3 and the return of LAX. It’s not without its faults, though, mainly the fact that they made the higher ups look like jokes really left a sour taste in my mouth. They did tone down on the arguing between Borash and Josh as well as the WWE references which are a plus.

2.5