by Cayle Hotene
This time on Vulture Hound’s The Things That Matter, Cayle tackles the debate that is currently gripping the free world – Christopher Nolan’s treatment of Harry Styles’ face. Prepare for hard hitting journalism, impartial, objective truths, and rad ownage of Team America’s Matt Damon.
I have a bone to pick with you, Christopher Jonathan James Nolan, and it has nothing to do with the unsatisfying nature of Bane’s death, the train sequence in Batman Begins, or the fact that you give conspiracy theorist loons ammunition by implying the ending of Inception is open when IT VERY CLEARLY ISN’T. Cobb made it to his kids, OK? *sobs handsomely*
It’s actually about something much more important than artistic closure, more important than any dumb films about Bats and a boy who chooses to weaponise the symbol of his terror thereby allowing him to control the very essence of fear – the bone I have to pick involves your treatment, or potential mistreatment, of pop’s resident darling, music’s leading light, and – whisper it – our generation’s John Lennon.
The news that Harry Styles was headhunted by Hollywood’s most in form director was greeted with blistering, incredulous fanfare by anyone that matters. That was me, at first, but I had a nightmare, a revelation of sorts, and realised belatedly a simple, shining fact: a face like that should NOT be in a war film.
War films are for the likes of pinch-faced Matt Damon, the guy that played Forrest Gump, and Vince ‘I’m slowly revealing myself to be a horrible wanker’ Vaughn. If you looked at Harry Styles’ face and thought ‘He’d be great at getting shot up’, Chrissy, I suggest you see a shrink. And maybe spin a spinning top.
I KNOW Tom Hardy is in this film. I KNOW he has the complexion of an angel and the lips of an Egyptian god. Don’t patronise me. But there’s a difference there, fundamentally. Tom Hardy’s rugged, Harry Styles is like a porcelain doll. If you tapped a pen against his cheekbone I assure you, Chris, it would crack.
So tread carefully, Christopher Jonathan James Nolan. Because you really don’t want to piss off a writer with a 210+ strong Twitter following and an A* in English Language. Cast him in your film. Coax out of him a performance that proves a breakout role which precedes an excellent acting career. Just don’t touch that face, Chris. Don’t touch that goddam face.
Dunkirk is out in cinemas on June 21st.