Casting The Upcoming Wayne Shaw Film: ‘Who Ate All The Pies, And How Much Did They Get Paid For It?’



This time on Vulture Hound’s Things That Matter, Cayle brings his own #HotTake on the Sutton United Pie Scandal: casting the inevitable Hollywood adaptation.

Football is shaped by events and defined by moments. The art of football itself was created through the simple act of a young, wealthy Etonian kicking a melon into a basket and being struck by a brilliant, yet daunting, idea. Football is Pele’s arrival at the world cup, Diego Maradonna’s hand of god, even Leicester’s stupendously unlikely title win. Wayne Shaw, the man, the pie-eating pioneer, has now been added to that illustrious list – and for good reason.

If you don’t know, Sutton’s third keeper ate a pie during a football game, briefly uniting a divided nation in Banter. Allegations arose that a betting company had manufactured the event, suggesting you can put a price on Banter, which as we all know is a lie.

Wayne Shaw’s odyssey has joy, it has tragedy, it has The Sun acting totally out of character and doing something morally questionable – it has EVERYTHING. Now it just needs its makers.

Our shouts are as follows:

Writer: Aaron Sorkin

This speaks for its self. Aaron likes to delve into highly idiosyncratic worlds that would be otherwise unintelligible to the common yolk – he will be able to make beauty from locker room talk better than anyone. If he can do Facebook, Steve Jobs, the White House – he *might* be able to do Sutton United Dressing room.

Director: M. Night Shyamalan

This speaks for itself even more-er. Shyamalan’s experiencing a career-twist of his own recently – that is, that he’s managed to resume one at all. This has all the classic Shyamamanalanahaman tropes – the supernatural / horror set up (man eats previous third keeper and everyone’s too scared to say anything) – magnetic, riveting main characters (Wayne Shaw once got fired for headbutting someone) – and the twist (eating pie turns into a global investigation that could cause the death of millions). Come awn. Poifect.

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Actors:

Wayne ShawZach Galifianakis.

Come awn. Do I really need to explain how poifect this is?

Sun Betting Employee With ALL-The-Banter – Dapper Laughs

A poet, wordsmith, political activist, the list truly goes on. This is the catalyst for Wayne’s tale – without him there would be no story at all – so this is crucial. If they can’t land Dapper Laughs, anyone from Paddy Power will do.

Young Wayne ShawMillie Bobby Brown, AKA:

This is in the (extremely likely) event that Universal decide to Young-Adult the shit out of this and start a franchise – and what’s a franchise without a good origin story? Millie is a rising star looking for her first Oscar, and this is prime, meaty oscar bait – and best of all – his number used to be 11.

Or maybe it didn’t. Fake news, or Shyamalan twist – you decide.

Vuture Hound are offering 8/1 odds that Wayne Shaw will play himself.