Impact Testing – January 26th, 2017

Last week we discussed Impacts new concept “Race for the Case,” this week is “Genesis” and next week is “Open Fight Night.” How are these shows special? They aren’t but here’s this week’s Impact Testing anyways!

The Hardy’s come out and Matt’s voice is worse for wear. He states that Brother Nero will use his newly acquired green briefcase next week. Matt then mentions that he needs to be covered in gold like his Egyptian ancestors and this leads the DCC and Decay to come out who challenge everyone to a tag team battle. Not gonna lie, Crazzy Steve did his worst Joker and in all honesty, the Broken Hardy’s are starting to get stale and it pains me to admit it.

Impact Tag Team Championship
DCC vs Decay vs The Broken Hardy’s©

In what can easily be called a lackluster affair, we are gifted a three-way match that really, nothing of any note happens. No wrestling, just brawling; some mists, fists, and fits when Broken Matt hits the twist of fate and picks up the victory.

Once we come back from break, Borash is sat down with EC3 and he says that physically he’s broken, mentally he’s drained but he’s focused. I’m not sure that he knows what all these things mean but, when your mind body and soul are physically drained you’re not focused. To the point where he’s using his bad back as an excuse but NEWSFLASH, that essentially means you can’t get it done. He hints that he’ll go away and he’ll heal up until he compares his resurrection to the resurrection of your savor, Jesus Christ. Did “JC” ever have traps like that?!

Following a more than disappointing main event from last week, Drew Galloway must be out for redemption and to defend his Grand Championship in a match that he could somewhat be proud of. Galloway says he’s here for the greater good and issues an open challenge. Outcomes Moose, please don’t tell me I must watch this match yet again. I damn near had a conniption last week having to write about that piece of trash. It’s true, I do.

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Impact Grand Championship
Drew Galloway© vs Moose

I don’t mean to bury everything that has happened so far this week but in all honesty, there has been nothing presented to us that you can sink your teeth in, especially when you’re watching a rehash of everything you’ve seen in the last few weeks. I’m starting to believe that they only flew in a half dozen workers for this set of tapings.

Round One:
I must admit; I find it absolutely hilarious that Moose still has the “O” from the ROH logo on his tights without stepping foot in an ROH ring in some time. Originality at its finest. Either way, the two brawl outside to end round one with Moose seemingly in control. The judges unanimously appoint Moose the winner. I can live with that.

Round Two:
Once again, Galloway kicks Moose right in the package; this time by mistake. Adding fuel to the fire of Galloway getting screwed left and right, Galloway hits the Claymore but only gets a two this time. Galloway would then run into the ref, hit a purposeful low blow, a DDT, and the win. Much better of a match then last week, I still stand by the fact that making a fixed sport look even more fixed is preposterous.

Monster’s Ball Match
Knockouts Championship
Rosemary © vs Jade

Very early on we get a bag of tacks dumped onto the mat and Jade Germans Rosemary head first into the thumbtacks followed by a very clever spot with Jade blocking the mist from Rosemary’s with a trash can lid. Overall good stuff, what’s not good is Madison Rayne always being at the announce table during a knockouts match.

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Jade then Urinagi’s Rosemary onto the barbwire board, which is not fake barbwire either since it was sticking to the acid wash attire of Rosemary. We hint at a 450 through the table but Jade is caught on the turnbuckle where they position themselves for a super plex through the table by Rosemary who picks up the victory, retaining her Knockouts Championship. Gail Kim comes down to the aid of Jade but is blinded by the mist. Bitches love mist. Seriously, though, this was easily the best match of the night hands down.

X-Division Championship
Trevor Lee vs Caleb Konley vs DJZ© vs Andrew Everett vs Marshe Rockett

This match is less than five-minutes in length and really, how good could a match of that length be with five competitors involved nonetheless? Instead let’s talk about whatever the hell DJZ as done to his hair, imagine walking into an airport with that. If this is what’s cool with the kids these days, then consider me too old to give a shit and I’m only 29.

Back to the match, we get a bunch of near falls followed by the DZT to retain his title, this should lead to Lee using the briefcase that he won last week to get a title shot one on one in the next week. If so, the attack with the chair post-match on DJZ should be a hint at what’s to come. Trevor Lee is a shining star that is the coal mine of Impact Wrestling.

30 Minute Iron Man Match
Impact World Championship
Eddie Edwards© vs Bobby Lashley

I want to start off by bringing up the sheer amount of times these two have faced off over the past couple months, I feel like I’ve seen this match as much as I’ve seen any combination of Owen/Jericho/Reigns in the WWE. To make things worse, less than ten minutes in Lashley gets a pinfall on Edwards; way to make your champ look like a punk. With a spear, Lashley goes up 1-0.

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After the second fall, Lashley had been running a clinic on Edwards, big back body drop to the outside and as well as a big powerbomb onto the ramp. Edwards would then be counted out, allowing Lashley to go up to a 2-0 lead. Quickly, Edwards would fake out Lashley and send him head-first into an exposed turnbuckle and pick up a pinfall and then a Boston Knee Party for a pin making it a 2-2 tie.

Where now under the five-minute mark, Eddie hits another Boston Knee Party but can’t get it done, Lashley then catches a huricanrana, power bomb’s Edwards and applies the Head and Arm Choke bringing Lashley up 3-2. With less than thirty seconds left Edwards countered a spear into a guillotine choke and as Lashley is fading and you’re watching the clock tick down. It’s under ten seconds and the ref starts checking to see if Lashley is out, the first and second time he drops picks up the arm of Lashley it falls to the ground, does he try for a third? No, why? I don’t know. The bell rings and Lashley celebrates his title victory as we go off the air. Overall a good match, but the first twenty-five minutes lacked the drama that an Iron Man deserves.

Overall. I’d say that this was one of the best shows that Impact has put on this month, mainly due to the Knockouts putting on a well-paced Monster’s Ball match and the lack of Maria and her mean girl ways. Although we did have to live through listening to LVN talking about herself while on a date with Braxton Sutter, it was minimal nonetheless.

2/5