What We’re Watching


I have been watching.

Here’s what-

The Apprentice
BBC One, Thursday, 9pm

The Apprentice

Can you believe it. It’s series 12! Series 12! 12 series of The Apprentice!! Jesus Christ. Thank you BBC. Thank you for rounding up eighteen wollies, putting them on national television, and deliberately editing them so they are presented as ABSOLUTE wollies. We’re already into the eighth episode of this series (can you believe it! 12 series and at least 8 episodes per series!!) ((no wonder there was Brexit…)) NO POLITICS! We watch TV precisely to avoid politics. To numb our brains to the point where they become similar to those 500gram packets of mincemeat you see in the supermarkets. And the Apprentice does just that! From my understanding of the show’s premise, to be a good businessperson you have to force as much shit as possible down the consumer’s throats without any consideration for the consequences. Alan ‘c’mon Spurs!’ Sugar has gone mental at his “candidates” for not being able to sell worthless antiques, high end fashion brands, and jet skis… And when this happens he sits up on the booster cushion on his chair, raises his Kim Jong un-like arms, points a hairy little finger at someone, and shouts “you’re fired!”

Michael McIntyre’s Big Show
BBC One, Saturday 8.10pm

Michael McIntyre

I watch the Graham Norton Show on Friday nights sometimes. I like to watch it not just because I have no life and don’t go out at the weekends, but also because I like to see the way stars react to each other in “real life” (real life being a TV chat show broadcast on Friday nights on BBC One). But this isn’t about Graham Norton. This is about Michael McIntyre. So why do I mention the Graham Norton Show in reviewing Michael McIntyre’s Big Show? Because every time I’ve watched McIntyre on the Graham Norton Show I’ve wanted a cement mixer full of quick-drying cement to be poured over his head, then someone come along with a shovel and dig a hole far enough down to, say…the molten core centre of the earth? And drop him in it… He is incredibly annoying, as well as suffocating to anyone around him through his need to speak louder than everyone, sit like a slinky, and, on occasion, sing. However his Big Show on Saturday nights at ten past eight on BBC One! Is!! Just as bad. McIntyre begins with a bit of stand-up comedy, then he turns on the audience and embarrasses someone to mortification in front of millions of people on TV. There’s live music and at the end, he does his bit for charity by helping someone achieve their dream to sing, or dance, or win loads of cash and go on holiday, some shit like that. The 90s had Noel Edmunds. The Naughties has McIntyre. Evil comes in many guises…

Planet Earth II
BBC One, Sunday, 8pm

David Attenborough

I’m not miserable and I’m not a cynic. Okay, having read what you’ve just read about the last two programmes you wouldn’t be ostracised for believing otherwise. But I’m not. I’m just searching for quality TV. Isn’t that what a TV reviewers supposed to do? And I have. I was going to write ‘I think’ before that, but there’s no thinking about it. Planet Earth is back. In the aptly named Planet Earth Two. And it is brilliant. A tour into the wonders of nature capturing it through unrivalled footage. David Attenborough’s soothing tones have narrated us through islands, mountains, and deserts. The camera work is incredible. The stories fantastic. For any histrionics out there looking for drama. For any thrill-seekers out there looking for excitement. For any writers out there looking for inspiration. For anyone who wants their eyes opened, their horizons expanded, and their imaginations fed with the sweetest nectar the plebs in TV can come up with. This is the show for you. Brilliant.

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