by Elliot Dyson
“It’s times like these we learn to live again,” whispered/shouted David Grohl on one of those Foo Fighters songs that sounds like all the other Foo Fighters songs. This intro is already far too convoluted for me to save, so whatever, here’s what happened on Smackdown Live last night.
WWE have been hyping Smackdown’s 900th episode as a big deal, when really the actual noteworthy milestone is 2 years down the line. But if episode 900 is such a big deal, I ask you why oh why couldn’t Shane McMahon fish out a pair of dress shoes for the occasion, instead of his usual mullet of outfits (figure it out yourself!). Also, Daniel Bryan was wearing a hoodie, so I guess Shane looked like your Auntie on Easter Sunday by comparison.
Anyway, this week’s SDLive saw some nostalgia and a little bit of wrestling, with an Intercontinental Championship match getting things underway. Once again, we’ve got The Miz Vs. Dolph Ziggler for the IC title, which is a match we’ve seen before, more times than I care to exaggerate about. With that said, practice makes perfect and the 10,000 hours these guys have wrestled each other paid off, with a slick, fast-paced match filled with more reversals than a match against Brad on WWE 2K16.
The battle ended with a roll-up assist from Maryse and the crowning of your new, 6-time Intercontinental Champion, The Miz. Now, don’t get me wrong, I prefer The Miz out of these two, but why did Ziggler ever win the title if he was only going to lose it a few weeks later? Because WWE wrote themselves into a corner with the upping of the stakes at No Mercy? Yes.
Now, this either means we have to sit through more Ziggler/Miz promos and fights in the coming months, or that Sami Zayn will walk away victorious on Sunday, taking the IC title to Raw. With the rumours that the Cruiserweight Division is moving to Smackdown, this seems like a real possibility, but in writing this sentence I’ve already gotten bored with speculating so whatever, let’s move on to the next thing.
MUCH LIKE SUM 41, I NOW OFFER YOU ALL THE GOOD SHIT:
– Alexa Bliss will get a rematch for the women’s title after Survivor Series
– I’m tired of typing “Survivor Series”.
– King Booker turned up to deliver a motivational speech to the SDLive tag team crew before the upcoming cross-brand pay-per-view. This nostalgic nonsense was ground to a halt by Breezeango, who issued everyone with citations for fashion fraud, or something.
– Breezeango are apparently sticking with this fashion police gimmick.
– The Raw women’s team for WWE’s 4th biggest PPV ambushed Nikki Bella and Carmella, before the rest of the Smackdown team came out and whatever you expect happened is what happened.
– WWE dedicated a lot of time to promoting the series premiere of “Shooter”, mainly because Randy Orton turns up in it as a guest star. In light of this, I will dedicate the following sentence: Shooter looks shit.
– Oney Lorcan (most famously known as the jobber who beat Tye Dillinger on NXT) took on Kalisto in a li’l momentum builder of a match before the masked dragon’s Cruiserweight Championship match on Sunday at… the thing. Kalisto won after being pounded on for the whole match.
– A big Kalisto botch served as a reminder that springboards are both the best friend and worst enemy of the luchadore.
– There was a million man tag match, akin to the first few weeks of Smackdown Live. Somebody won. Whatever.
Last night’s show ended with a segment of The Cutting Edge, with Edge (a clunky title that we’ve been dealing with for a long, long time). The only notable thing about Edge’s appearance is that he is currently repping a big beard and long hair combo. Why is that? I don’t care.
Edge welcomed the men’s 5 on 5 team to join him in the ring, did a bit with James Ellsworth (who is gonna clean up on the indies after this WWE run), and everyone had a bit of microphone time, until the mediocrity was interrupted by the heavily promoted return of The Undertaker.
Now, we all know “The Phenom” takes approximately 4 minutes to say one word, so I’ve transcribed his show-closing promo from Smackdown 900, presented without audience interruption, below.
“Wrestlemania will no longer define who I am. I’m back, taking souls and digging holes. Survivor Series was where The Undertaker was born and Smackdown has always been my home. At this year’s Survivor Series, there’s no reason to fear failure. But if you fail, you will have reason to fear The Deadman. Team Raw better rest in peace.” Then he did the tongue thing.
I’m not gonna waste anyone’s time by speculating as to the meaning of this speech because The Internet will happily do that without my contribution.
I’d like to take this moment to address “the disgrace that reviews with poor taste” (not my best work), Bradley Tiernan. He’s under the impression that the outcome of Survivor Series will lead to anything other that him being out of a (non-paying) job. I’m confident in the abilities of the Smackdown team and assure you all that the blue brand will win every match on Sunday. “Why are you so confident, Elliot?” Well, you interrupting, imaginary prick, I’m confident because of 3 words: Alexa Bliss, Breezeango and AJ Styles… Well, 5 or 6 words. 3 names! I’m confident because of 3 names… This didn’t go great.